To Love and Heal (The Power of Love Series) Page 8

  "And if the general doesn't like it," he had added, "I'll be sure it comes directly from his private stash."

  Caleb smiled sadly at the bittersweet memory, wondering once again why he was alive and a more deserving man was dead. Joel and Dwayne left behind wives and children who loved and needed them. If he had been killed instead, of course his family would be heartbroken, but it simply wasn't the same. His thoughts flashed to Anna, the way that her eyes pierced his whenever they were together, the way she looked out for him … but he couldn't be the man she needed. He was broken inside … numb and yet tortured at the same time, a blackness that was swallowing him up whole. Sometimes he felt as though he were drowning in a vat of thick black tar, just barely keeping his head above the suffocating gook so that his eyes could still see the here and now while the rest of him was pulled back into an inescapable chokehold.

  He had to leave – there was no other way. He had to find a new purpose, a reason why he should still be alive because he sure as hell couldn't think of one anymore. His heart grew heavy at the thought of leaving Anna, but he loved her too much to pull her down with him. Loved her? Haley rested her wet nose on his arm, staring at him with her golden brown eyes.

  "You reading my thoughts?" he asked quietly, a bittersweet ache from the inside out answering the question he had posed to himself seconds earlier. Yes, he loved her – and then some. But nothing good ever lasted in his life. Not anymore, at least. And if he stayed, he knew she would keep at him to face the demons that he was desperately trying to squash down. He wasn't ready to do that – in fact, he couldn't imagine the day would ever come when he would be willing to give these demons even a second of acknowledgement. Anna seemed to think that it was the only way to release them, but she didn't understand that they were determined to take up residence in him permanently. If that weren't he case, he reasoned, then they wouldn't be demons, right? They would instead be memories that faded with time and had no real hold over him.

  He closed his eyes, knowing well what he had to do, and feeling like the hell of war continued to live on as it spurred him to leave someone he loved.

  Anna closed her eyes and silently counted back from ten, repeating "one" over and over again in an effort to lull herself to sleep. It was an exercise that was usually successful, but not tonight, not with all the distressing thoughts that weighed heavily on her mind. Though she had only met Joel twice, she still struggled to understand how someone so full of life could be gone in an instant. As Merlin touched her chin gently with his paw, she smiled sadly, grateful for the way that he always seemed to know when she needed her own personal version of pet therapy. It seemed almost unfathomable that Caleb would have experienced this sense of loss over and over again during the past five years. And yet he never spoke about it. But could she really blame him? Did it not make sense to pretend on some level that it never really happened? After all, how could someone possibly find even a sliver of joy in life when every waking moment – and perhaps sleeping moment, too – was haunted with grief and regret? And add to that the fact that Caleb had personally witnessed many of these deaths. Merlin's purr intensified as Anna brushed away tears from her eyes. She wanted so badly to make things better for him, and yet her father's words of caution rang in her mind. " Just realize that trying to rescue people is a whole other ballgame. A stray cat might scratch you because it's scared, but a person will pull you down with them – or worse – because they don't always want to be helped. And all the good intentions in the world can't change that."

  She did have good intentions, that was true. But it was also true that Caleb did not want to be helped – at least it certainly seemed that way. She couldn't force him to seek counseling or to stop feeling guilty that he was alive when others were dead. In fact, she couldn't even get him to concede that there was any problem at all. She closed her eyes again, the conflict in her heart no lesser than the moment before. Perhaps this was what Caleb experienced on a daily basis – unwelcome feelings that simply wouldn't leave. Let it go, she told herself as the emotional pain threatened to cut any sense of joy out of her life. She repeated the mantra silently in her head until it unexpectedly morphed: Let him go.

  Anna's eyes snapped open, frightened at where her thoughts had just landed. Her mind was telling her what her heart didn't want to hear … but she couldn't escape the possibility that it might be the best decision for both of them.

  NINE

  As Anna pulled her car into the driveway after a late-morning appointment with a new client, she was surprised to be greeted by Haley as she rounded the corner of the house and pounced up on Anna with typical enthusiasm. It had been a week and a half since the devastating news of Joel's death, and even the light breeze of early September did little to dissipate the heaviness in the air.

  "Hey," Caleb said with forced casualness as he suddenly appeared towing two large duffel bags.

  Anna's smile faded as unease traveled the length of her body and settled in her throat.

  "What's going on?" she asked hoarsely.

  "I was just getting my stuff together."

  "I can see that. So that's it? You're just leaving?" Anna not only found her voice again, but at a much louder decibel. "And you weren't even going to say goodbye?"

  Caleb tossed the duffel bags onto his truck bed, momentarily looking up at the sky before turning to face her. "I was going to leave you a note−"

  Anna felt her face flush. "A note?" She couldn't decide whether to be more hurt, angry or insulted, so she settled for stewing in the heat of all three.

  "We talked about this not that long ago. You knew I was just about finished up here."

  "I didn't realize you'd be in such a hurry to leave."

  "I'm not."

  Anna gestured towards the duffel bags. "Oh, really?"

  "Anna …" Caleb paused, his pained eyes telling her that part of him didn't actually want to go, but then again, she was starting to think that she had misread him all along.

  "So where are you going?" she asked, only half wanting to know the answer.

  "There's an opening for a medical helicopter pilot based out of Boston. Opportunities like this are few and far between – I have to jump on it now."

  Anna shook her head as her heart sank further. Boston was only an hour away, but that was clearly not even the point. "Caleb, you're not ready for something like this."

  The earlier remorse in his eyes was replaced with a glowing fierceness. "See – this is what I can't be around. I can't have you telling me that something's wrong with me when it's not."

  "So you really think that being in a helicopter again is not going to set off a flashback? All it took was hearing one before!"

  "This is different. I'll be making the decision to fly the helicopter, so I'll be in control. Maybe you're right – maybe I wasn't ready before. But I am now."

  Anna stared hard at Caleb, wishing she could let go of him as easily as he apparently could her. But clearly she meant nothing to him – not even enough to elicit a goodbye kiss. Although considering that he had been keeping his distance since Sharon's visit, she realized his coldness shouldn't come as a surprise.

  She turned to walk away, jolted back as Caleb grabbed her shoulder.

  "Hold on," he said as she reluctantly turned to face him.

  "Just leave," she replied tersely, resuming her steps at a quicker pace.

  He pulled her back again, but this time there was no verbal plea on his part. Instead, he effortlessly swept her up off the ground and carried her to the front door of the house, freeing a hand to swing it open and waiting for Haley to slip inside before closing it behind them.

  "Wait," Anna said, shaking her head as they headed to the living room and she fell back on the couch, the cushions sinking beneath her as Caleb's rugged body slid over her. Her weak protest was silenced with kisses, her resolve about as permanent as the clothing that was being shed at breakneck speed. He was leaving her − a good enough reason as any to pull away from him
now − but she couldn't. She wondered how something so wrong could feel so right, but any further thoughts were blindsided as her body took the steering wheel and she willingly went along for the ride. The cramped couch did little to deter the frenzied desire that was building exponentially, and as Caleb pulled her onto his lap, she clasped his hands against the back cushions and rubbed herself over his hardness until neither of them could wait anymore. As he kissed her neck, she slowly rocked back and forth, coaxing the pleasure to build as their breath began to quicken and they gripped each other forcibly, drawing to a shattering climax that crested deep within, her cries quickly followed by Caleb's low moan as he pulled her down hard and came inside of her.

  Her face now buried in his chest, Anna looked up, their sweat mingling and hearts simultaneously pounding. As she searched his eyes for the unspoken affection that she had come to expect after their intimate moments together, her exhausted smile faded as she instead saw anguish, if not regret. Wincing, she turned away, a sickness inside of her growing as she waited for a reassuring word or touch that never came.

  "Please just leave," she said quietly, her voice catching as the emotional gap between them widened with each second that ticked by.

  "Anna−"

  "Leave!"

  Caleb rose from the couch, numbly dressing in silence. Once fully clothed, he stood frozen with his back to her and head hung low. After several moments, he briefly turned around, his eyes pained but his resolve clearly locked in place. As he headed for the front door, Haley trailing behind him after lying patiently on a throw rug by the living room entrance, Anna closed her eyes, jumping slightly as the door slammed shut. It wasn't how she expected their last time together to end. But then again, perhaps that was part of the problem: She had fooled herself into thinking that this day might possibly never come.

  Caleb gripped the steering wheel with a force just short of crushing it into dust. He bore down on the accelerator as if quickening his departure from Anna could somehow lessen the blow, but it didn't. He hated himself for leaving her that way, for sharpening the knife by making love to her just before exiting her life for good. But was it for good? He tried to shake the images of their last moments together from his mind, images that begged the question: Why did he have to leave behind someone who he wanted to be with so badly?

  Haley anxiously peered over at him from her car seat beside him. The sight of her strapped securely into the seat made him smile sadly, his stomach pulling with a bottomless ache. Just days after Haley's arrival, Anna had come home from running errands and announced that she had bought something for Haley that would require some assembly.

  Caleb instinctively reached over and scratched Haley behind the ears as he vividly recalled his exchange with Anna as though it were happening in the moment.

  "A car seat? A car seat? For a dog?"

  "Absolutely!" Anna had replied with typical feistiness. "A dog can get tossed around and fly though a windshield, too, you know. Especially with the way you drive."

  "And what's wrong with my driving?" Caleb had asked with feigned insult that failed to mask the playful glint in his eye.

  "Nothing that a de-leading of your foot wouldn't solve."

  He smiled and shook his head at the bittersweet recollection. But that was Anna – caring and compassionate and ….

  Caleb gasped as a wave of something rolled over him, stealing his breath away as it did. He tried to steady his grip on the steering wheel as his heart pounded wildly against his chest, but his arms grew numb and even his vision began to falter. He started to wonder if he was having a heart attack, but then the question escaped as his thoughts dissolved into a cloud of black confusion.

  Haley strained against her security strap as she pawed through the air just short of reaching him, her whine cutting into the buzzing in his ears that accompanied a growing dizziness. It was enough to momentarily spark his senses as he searched through blurry eyes for a spot to pull over.

  A tap on the head. Another tap and a trail of moist warmth across his cheek.

  Caleb slowly opened his eyes, only then realizing that his upper body was draped over the side of Haley's car seat as she continued her effort to rouse him. He pulled himself up, hugging her and feeling his heart beat slow down as it synched with Haley's steady pulse against his hand. Looking out the window, he was surprised to find his truck in the far empty end of a diner parking lot. He couldn't quite recall the last moments of his journey, but somehow he had safely made his way off of the road. As for how long he had been unconscious … that was a mystery as well, though he suspected not more than a few minutes. Straightening back up in his seat, Caleb cautiously recalled his last thoughts before what he could only surmise had been a panic attack, and this time it wasn't a scene from the war. He had been thinking about Anna. Perhaps he had become more dependent on her than he wanted to admit to himself. There was no question in his mind that he loved her, but her presence also had an almost calming effect on him. He wondered if it might have something to do with the sense of continuity and connection that was woven into all of the moments that they had shared together. One of the most frustrating developments since returning from the war was an inability to feel connected to the present – heck, to even feel like he was in his own body most of the time. But Anna had reintroduced an element of stability to his life that counterbalanced a constantly rumbling inner turmoil, and now he was leaving this groundedness – and her – behind. But he had no choice, he reminded himself as he felt the tightness in his chest return. Anna's concern for him – though well-meant and appreciated – would spur her to discourage the steps that he knew he had to take in order to fully move on from the past. And in turn, broken inside as he knew he still was, Caleb felt certain that he would ultimately only bring unhappiness to Anna, and he loved her too much to let this happen. He turned to Haley, who stared at him through anxious eyes as though reading his thoughts. It was the most beautiful gift that she was now by his side … one of many gifts that Anna had brought into his life in the relatively short time that he had known her. He closed his eyes, forcing his mind as best he could to forget the unforgettable.

  Maybe one day she would forgive him for leaving her … but he sure as hell would never forgive himself.

  TEN

  "I know I can't cook for shit," Tina declared just outside the bathroom door, "but I usually don't make people that sick!"

  Anna hung her head over the toilet, too nauseas to answer. When she finally emerged from the bathroom five minutes later, Tina greeted her with a concerned expression.

  "Girl, you don't look good at all. I thought it was impossible to screw up something as simple as salad and spaghetti, but I clearly did something wrong."

  Anna started to shake her head, pausing when the motion triggered another round of dizziness. As she started to falter, Tina grabbed her arm.

  "I'm okay," she croaked. "I think I just need to sit down for a minute."

  "Of course!" Tina kept a solid grip on Anna's arm as she steered her to the kitchen table. As they sat across from each other, Tina crooked her head sideways as she studied Anna closely. "Is there something you're not telling me?"

  Anna held her breath for a moment, then let it out in an unintended sigh. "I was planning to tell you while we were eating, but my stomach had other ideas."

  Tina's eyes suddenly widened. "You're not …"

  "I am."

  "Pregnant?!"

  Anna looked up at the ceiling, clearly still in the throes of disbelief herself. "I just found out for certain yesterday."

  "How? Well, I know how … but I mean, haven't you been on birth control pills since college?"

  Anna nodded. "I went off them a couple of times and ended up with irregular periods again, so I've just stayed on them regardless of whether I'm in a relationship or not."

  "And yet … you're pregnant. Isn't the pill supposed to be something like ninety-nine percent effective?"

  "That's the first thing I said to my
doctor. But remember me telling you how I had gotten a cut on my leg from a piece of rusty garden fence wire that was starting to look infected?"

  "Yes − as I recall, my response was to hire some young hunk to do your yard work, and I'd come and watch."

  Despite the gravity of the situation, Ann still managed to grin – momentarily. "Well, I knew the antibiotic could interfere with my birth control pills, but I didn't realize this could be the case for a full week even after I stopped the antibiotic."

  "Which is when …"

  "Exactly," Anna replied, feeling no need to further state the obvious.

  "Does he know?"

  Though Anna felt a twinge in her stomach, she knew it was more of an emotional response rather than physical. "No. And to be honest, I'm not sure if telling him is the right thing to do."

  Tina's face registered surprise. "Far be it for me to take moral high road in pretty much any situation … but don't you think Caleb has a right to know?"

  "Of course I do, and this isn't a decision I'm taking lightly. But I don't know what this will do to his state of mind right now. He's dealing with enough."

  "What about what you're dealing with? I mean, have you decided to go through with the pregnancy?"

  Almost instinctively, Anna touched her stomach. "I'm not going to pretend that this is what I wanted for myself right now. I always planned to have a child – someday. You know, when I was in a stable relationship with someone and my business was fully established, rather than just getting off the ground."

  "In other words, the timing couldn't be worse."

  Anna stared down at the table, wondering if she had ever in her life felt truly more conflicted inside. "No, it really couldn't. But now that I've been dealt this hand, I can't pretend otherwise."

  Tina sighed as she reached over and squeezed Anna's arm. "Always the rational one. If it were me, I'd be having a nonstop anxiety attack right now."